Let’s start this off with some sage advice: If you are ever asked to move in with your boyfriend AND his parents, thank them very nicely and then run away!

Boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years this November; we will also have lived together 4 years this December. When he asked me to move in with him in 2008, it was the first time I had wanted to move in with anyone and, while our relationship was moving quickly, I was very excited! We had known each other for a long time, we had all mutual friends…how could it go wrong!? His family was nice and they loved me, they wanted me around more too and asked me to stay here “as much as you want!” The golden first four months were glorious and enjoyable. This is about the rest of the 3.5 years and why you should NOT move in with your boyfriends parents (if it wasn’t already an obvious no-no to the rest of you smarter people out there)!.

In chronological order of discovery:

Reason 0 (because it really only applies to us but is important to mention): His male best friend lives in the garage and will act like a jealous girlfriend when you start to spend more time with now-mutual-Boyfriend. Best friend is unable to even go to the grocery store without mutual-Boyfriend because he is so dependent, which is why he moved from his parent’s house to Boyfriend’s parent’s house. His best friend will yell nonsensical obscenities about you while arguing with Boyfriend, which you will hear from the bedroom. You will cry…a lot.

Reason 1: No matter how quiet you are, the house is on stilts and the family WILL know when you’ve had sex. Also, your mother will start to give you a knowing look and attempt to ask about “the sex” when you visit. You can’t pretend to be a virgin anymore.

Reason 2: Think about all of the things you are used to having in your kitchen (or your bathroom for that matter). Clean cookie sheets, an egg beater, a stove that cooks at the correct temperature or refrigerator space for your favorite foods…you won’t find any of that here! Bringing your own will result in a slow and steady amalgamation of of appliances you want and an absolute disappearance of counter space. You will then feel guilty for wanting things that they don’t have room for and your juicer will go to live in the garage as a smurf home for three years.

Reason 3: You know how you like to have movie days every once in a while? Or sprawl out on the couch and relax? Well feel free to do none of that here! Boyfriend’s dad is home 90% of the time and never stops watching his shows. Your best option is to go sit at your computer in the garage with your “burnt popcorn” that everyone complains about for stinking up the whole house (how can an entire house of people not like popcorn? Absolute madness!) or abandon the idea altogether.

Reason 4: Cooking gets expensive and you’re broke, which is why you’re living there in the first place! If you want to make your mom’s pork chops and mashed potatoes (aside from not having a beater in sight), you better get ready to cook for four! Pork chops and mashed potatoes for 2 costs about 10 bucks, so inexpensive! As soon as the parents find out though, it’s $20.00 plus, “What vegetables are you serving and will you have a salad?” Goodbye wallet.

Reason 5: Someone in the family is the resident grouch and eventually they will start to treat you like the rest of the family. Hello heart breaking mornings, afternoons, and nights of getting yelled at for making previously mentioned popcorn or making tea because the electricity goes out (see below). I still do it because I am both willful and stupid.

Reason 6: You find out too late which people are flaky! “Be careful of those wires over there, they’re live. I’m rewiring the house because the moron who lived here before us did it with a team of monkeys.” It has been four years and the wires are still there and are still live. I have been electrocuted by my laptop in the garage because the house isn’t grounded, I’ve had the internet go on and off on me because the power current isn’t strong enough to power the router (an absolute nightmare when you have an online class). And, if you forget to turn off all of the air-conditioners in the house, when you run the electric tea kettle, microwave, or toaster, you will short the entire breaker. This is my favorite thing to be yelled at for. I love forgetting to turn off the air conditioner at 4 AM and being chastised for weeks about it!

Reason 7: Boyfriend will get comfortable with the relationship level. He’ll think that living with his parents is normal and okay. Instead of making the steps to move forward with your lives together, he’ll go about his days content and undisturbed (except for when fielding Future-Father-In-Laws aggressive comments) and say “one day we’ll be married,” and, “one day we’ll have a place of our own.” I wonder if he says this in the same way that someone says they are going to fix the electrical system.

Reason 8: You’ll wonder if you are important enough to change his mind about living with roommates or taking the next step.

Life is Hard; Be Good to Yourself!
Posted On: September 24, 2012

We all go through times that are harder than others. This is one of the harder ones for me. I’m a smart girl, a confident girl, even sort of pretty but those are poor buffers to the darkness that is in the world. Confidence only lasts so long as those things you pride yourself on sustain. My sources of pride are my smarts, my wits, my goofy sense of humor and *yes* my looks…but what has always gotten me through the hard times is my confidence. The confidence in myself to figure out the hard parts that life throws at me, to find and keep good friends, and to nurture my loved ones. And now–now I’m failing.

There are parts of you that break, a bone perhaps, and they grow back thicker, more dense; your body’s repair mechanisms are amazing! Your mind works much in the same way, I believe. Old wounds can heal over and strengthen you. Wouldn’t you know it that once you’ve broken a bone, the healed tissues are actually more fragile and the next time it will break with even less force. And that’s where I am now. Old wounds, old scars, new fissures of my mind to protect and heal.

How do you pride yourself on self-preservation when you allow these things to happen? It seems like part of the human process but the depression and numbness that comes with it is just so alienating. Couldn’t we all just be depressing together in a room and have a hug-out? That might lift the gloom for me.

Ah Procrastination
Posted On: September 18, 2012

I have forgotten what I wanted to write, why do we always do this dance?

Future Maybe-Father-in-Law Might Want Me Dead
Posted On: July 17, 2012

I have a severe spider phobia. One that is so advanced that we are not allowed to say the “S” word in the house. We refer to them as unicorns because I once learned from a psych major that replacing something hated with something beloved can help to conquer your fear. Personally I’m just waiting for the word unicorn to become terrifying too. Currently my computer (my living room) is in the garage of my boyfriend’s parent’s house and I am waiting for the unicorn living under my computer desk to come back out and murder me…which will definitely probably not happen.

Recently my maybe-future-father-in-law recorded all of a “unicorn” movie marathon on DVR just for me! He kindly invited me to watch it with him (I’ll poison his hotdogs). When I declined he made sure to kindly come update me, at every commercial break, about what had recently happened in the storyline. “A giant pink spider took out the Sheriff! Yeah, they’re pink! How do you like that?”

My boyfriend (the reluctant “unicorn” destroyer) has taken pity on me but won’t deploy the many bug bombs we have purchased because he thinks that they’ll make our shelf of stale food inedible. I offered to cover my turtle Steve with a tarp and clean off the shelves but no, it’s a Bug’s Life for me.