September 24, 2012
Posted by N. @ 11:23 pm
We all go through times that are harder than others. This is one of the harder ones for me. I’m a smart girl, a confident girl, even sort of pretty but those are poor buffers to the darkness that is in the world. Confidence only lasts so long as those things you pride yourself on sustain. My sources of pride are my smarts, my wits, my goofy sense of humor and *yes* my looks…but what has always gotten me through the hard times is my confidence. The confidence in myself to figure out the hard parts that life throws at me, to find and keep good friends, and to nurture my loved ones. And now–now I’m failing.
There are parts of you that break, a bone perhaps, and they grow back thicker, more dense; your body’s repair mechanisms are amazing! Your mind works much in the same way, I believe. Old wounds can heal over and strengthen you. Wouldn’t you know it that once you’ve broken a bone, the healed tissues are actually more fragile and the next time it will break with even less force. And that’s where I am now. Old wounds, old scars, new fissures of my mind to protect and heal.
How do you pride yourself on self-preservation when you allow these things to happen? It seems like part of the human process but the depression and numbness that comes with it is just so alienating. Couldn’t we all just be depressing together in a room and have a hug-out? That might lift the gloom for me.